happy - still love the fabric for the dress (i thought I'd surely have changed my mind by now)
happy - finally found the right pattern to cut it into (something that doesn't make my butt stick out like a hottentot)
happy - wonderful friend who is a professional beautician is going to do my hair and makeup for the wedding
happy - wonderful friend is going to grill for all the guests at the reception, I still can't believe it
happy - wonderful friend is making me a gorgeous wedding cake (did I mention that she's won cake decorating contests in the past!)
happy - my man has got a gorgeous suit that fits him wonderfully
happy - groovy coworker is going to make him a matching hat that he will love, and end his worries about the assembled crowd viewing his bald spot
happy - we ended up with a UU minister, which has brought me back to church and made me a lot more thoughtful and introspective
happy - got all my decorative textiles packed up and ready to go
happy - the invitations came out real purdy, despite my amateur hand.
happy - the musician who's music means so much to us both will be coming to play for the wedding. I still can't believe it.
happy - I'm finally getting a chance to throw a huge party for all my friends and mentors who have been so good to me, specifically, all the ones who have been there to let me boo hoo on their shoulder all the times I was sad - now, FINALLY, now, they can celebrate something *positive* with me.
but, on the other hand, there are certain things that are stressing me the hell out. I've tried all kinds of things to get this out of my system, tried to pretend like it's not bothering me, tried to rationalize with myself and point out to my dumb little psyche that these are just dumb little details, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.
BUT IT STILL BUGS ME. IT STILL STRESSES ME OUT.
stressy - stephen went to the post office to simply weigh an invitation, to see if it required more than a regular postage stamp. He did that, and then bought 100 stamps. ONE HUNDRED stamps, to go on the invitations, and they are all butt-fugly standard u.s. flag stamps. Not pretty flowers, not the specially designed wedding stamps, not the groovy night sky ones (that's what I was planning to get),. NO, stupid-ass U.S. the world hates us because we torture prisoners of war and invade soverign nations and are the biggest bully nation on the planet and I am incredibly ashamed to be a citizen of Flag stamps. DAMN IT. (and no, they don't do refunds or exchanges. we checked)
stressy - everybody is being so nice to me about the wedding, including the friends who are giving me designer cake and mountains of grilled meat and bacheloretteparty/bridal shower and and and........ and it stresses me out to think that they are spending too much money on this.
stressy - despite me feeling horrible about friends spending too much on gifts, I still want to see as many friends as possible. I know that even though prices dropped, that gas is still over two dollars a gallon (paid $2.01 at sams club last night!!!). It won't be cheap for some to come, and yet I want them to. and that makes me feel uuber guilty.
stressy - I'm still fat. the corset can squeeze my middle, but ain't nothing gonna fix my face. double chin, on film, forever. fatso.
stressy - will my friends who hate crowds stay long enough to let me tell them how happy I am to see them? Will there even be a crowd? will we be stuck eating pesto bruchetta and chicken salad sandwiches for a month because no one shows up? Should I be making cardboard cutouts of smiling faces to simulate a full house?
will anybody even be there?